F-f-false Hap-hap-happiness

This is a monologue I wrote that was selected to be performed by professional actors at Portland Center Stage. How sweet is that?

False Happiness

A short monologue by Johnny Nguyen

GLEN
How f-f-fu-fucking hilarious. I-i-it’s not even that funny. Yeah, so what, I s-s-stutter? It’s not like I was born with it. You know what you are though? You are the m-m-most ignorant person I know. You’re a dick, a judgmental dick. You-you-you don’t know who I am, or wh-what I’ve been through. You-you-you…(Beat) I-i-i don’t usually hatepeople. And, as cliché as it s-s-sounds, I consider the word very strongly. But wow, people like you man, p-p-people like you, man I hate. Yeah, okay, you can s-s-speak “normally.” Like a “normal” person can. You can say words better than I can. Yeah, whatever, at least I’m nice! Oh yeah, okay, you don’t jerk your head back and forth like you’re some kind of insane zombie doing the “Thriller” dance while trying to spit out a s-s-simple sa-sa-sal-u-u-tation to your first period teacher like, “G-g-g-good m-mm-morning Mm-m-mrs. R-r-reynolds.” Well, at least I can wipe my own ass! Mr. I Wasn’t Potty Trained Until I Was Seven! Yeah, I know, I know, I have a very stinking hard time with s-s-syllables like l, s, f, and w, and the occasional “Aha, I’m going to embarrass you,” letter I-i… What a shitty letter. I-i-it’s ridiculous. But, you know what, bro, dude, hom-ie? It’s fine. It’s all good. It’s all good in-the-hood, actually. If-if-if by you making f-f-fuun of-of-of-of the way I speak, I really, really hope it-it makes you feel better. But, I want you to know that this “happiness” and laughter - “Oh, look at Glen. Repeat after me, Sally Sells Sea-sh-sh-shells on the, in the, at the S-s-sseashore,” oh whatever - that happiness that seems to f-f-fulfill you’re biggest goals when mocking me, it is temporary and false to the utmost extent. But, go ahead; go laugh, be-be-be happy and c-c-cool with each other. If you want to make fun of me, have at it dude! Go all out! I’ll be your p-punch-punch-punching bag! I’ll be your peasant! Here, let me have a look at your shoe, I’ll spit shine it too! (Beat) Oh, what fucking idiots. Don’t count on me though. Don’t depend on me being there for you to mock and make fun of my speech impediment because it makes you feel better about yourself. Because watch - one day I’m going to disappear out of thin air - maybe even like - I’ve been a ghost all this time testing and watching your behavior, or Santa’s little evil elf sent from Hell to see if you’re naughty or nice, ohhhh, and just you watch, that one day, while you’re living your “normal” life, your whole world will collapse, you’re happiness will be unfulfilled, and everything you taste will be even more bitter - simply because you can’t make fun of the guy with the speech problem. So, you better take care of yourself, boys. Take care of yourself. Fuckers.